Background

 I was surrounded by people whose words did not match their actions, and whose authenticity was masked by deep rooted scars. From a young age, I wanted to be different. I wanted to be someone with integrity, grit, follow through, and commitment. However, those attributes often seemed impossible to achieve due to misguided parenting and mixed messages.

Growing up, I was encouraged to stand up for myself but was punished when I stood my ground; directed to protect the vulnerable but was then labelled aggressive; told to be honest, but my feelings were disregarded; and asked to be a leader but told to follow the crowd. When I was faced with situations where racism, oppression, violence, and authority was involved, I grappled with what to do. My head and heart were aligned, but my stomach told me to back down. I knew that if I disagreed and marched to the beat of my own drum, I would be burning the very bridge I stood on. The internal battle, coupled with being silenced and punished, took its toll on me until I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about the consequences, the punishments, or the fire that would burn the bridge down. I wanted to be loud, assert dominance, plant my feet firm on the ground, and make a change.

After years of school issues, delinquency, instability, and coercive psychiatric intervention, someone listened. A high school guidance counselor told me that she didn’t believe I had oppositional defiance disorder, nor did she think I was a problem. She hypothesized that the silencing wasn’t because my voice didn’t matter, but because I had powerful things to say that didn’t align with dominant worldviews. She said that my anger and resentment towards my parents was warranted but recognized that their mixed messaging was due to their own trauma, learned behaviors, social location, and resource accessibility. Due to being system dependent and not having accessible resources or education, they feared change as compliance was comfortable and familiar. Her insight, and continued support, ignited a passion to advocate for “fair and equitable access to public services and benefits for all people, particularly those most in need, including those with varying abilities” (Canadian Association of Social Workers [CASW], 2024).